Ink Tea Stone Leaf

Consider the bird.

His name is Yoshi, and he is a green-cheeked parakeet, AKA green-cheeked conure. He gets the treatment depicted in this photo nearly every day of his life.

Virtually whenever he wants, he can sit in my hand—not in the way that birds typically “sit” (which is really just standing), but rather as if my hand were a luxury recliner—and receive gentle scritches on his cheeks and neck for as long as he likes.

Consider his closed eyes, his relaxed feet, and his utter lack of concern. This bird has it too good.

This is not even the only luxury amenity at his disposal. Consider further:

He gets a shower whenever he likes. All he has to do is fly to the kitchen sink, and a human will be along shortly to turn the water on, adjust it to the proper pressure and temperature, and extend a perch so that he may enjoy it at his leisure.

Most birds do not have it this good—not even birds of his kind. Green-cheeked parakeets live in the forests of the central part of South America, where they typically have no human hands in which to decadantly recline, and must seek out natural sources of falling water without any human assistance.

Yoshi is five years old. With good luck and care, he has the potential to reach thirty years. That’s another quarter century of this absolutely decadent lifestyle, with its scritches and showers and ceaseless emotional validation from his caregivers, who never let a day go by without reminding him how clever or sweet he is, or how lovely his feathers look after a good preen.

We gladly spoil him in these ways, despite his tendency to scream when people leave to use the bathroom, or bite at fingers and faces for reasons known only to himself. And have I mentioned the dehydrated strawberries?

Whenever Major League Baseball’s San Diego Padres win a game, Yoshi gets a strawberry chip to celebrate. We tell him it’s a reward for contributing in his small way to a favorable outcome (however that works). But sometimes when the Padres lose, he gets one anyway. We dried out a lot of strawberries, and he just enjoys them so much.

Make no mistake: this bird has it too good. He doesn’t even have to clean up after himself. I’m the one who has to clean up these dried strawberry bits, as well as any other messes he decides to make in the living room before his bedtime.

Unbelievable. What a creature. What a life.